Do You Boo.
If there’s one thing I know that’s true it’s that everyone longs for connection. For the ability to love, and to be loved. Whether intentions are romantic or innocent the thing that makes us feel the most real in this world is to look into someone’s eyes and feel as though we have been understood. That the mess of our minds has been heard, and cared for. In my opinion human connection is a key component to a healthy life. That’s why I hate the way of the world that we live in today. We are so disconnected to everything that dosent needs to be plugged into a wall. So much so that its actually that device that divides that we reach to first to find that “true connection”. There’s no grand jesters, there’s no hand-written letters, or gutsy men or women that approach strangers that catch their attention. Personally, that really pisses me off, I've always wanted a man to approach me in a coffee shop, get down on one knee and hand me a letter about how much he had been admiring me…. sigh. ANYWAY, sometimes you just gotta roll with what generation you were born into. Though I will never lose hope for the gutsy men out there I’ll admit I have fallen victim to a dating app (rolls eyes). It sucks and its weird and I've never actually met someone off of it. Why? Well, first of all I have a fear of being axe murdered but also, I've never met anyone interesting enough for me to decide that their worth me putting a bra on and eating with manners. So, for now I have decided that this whole dating app thing will be used for “practice flirting” for the real world.
So technically in all my almost 23 years I have only ever had one boyfriend. Granted it was a pretty long relationship, but still I’m a little taken back that there’s not a line around the block to ask me to dinner?? Maybe they all have the wrong address or something? I don't know I’ll have to do some investigating on a later date. My dad says it’s because I'm “intimidating”, and not in a way that’s like omg this girl is super model, stuck up, class act, untouchable kind of intimidating. In a way that’s like holy shit this girl is not afraid to be her weirdest self at all hours of the day. How can someone burp so many times in a row without breathing? Why is she doing improv in the middle of the bar? and why is she dressed like she's from the 60s? Kind of intimidating. Long story short I'm kind of a lot to keep up with, but I know that. I know it takes a particular type of person to want to attempt to handle what I bring to the table.
Recently I sent a screenshot to my best friend of a conversation I was having on this dating app and she replied to me “you make me laugh, you give absolutely 0 fucks, you say whatever your mind spits out.” Which is true, but still I thought… why wouldn't I?? If there’s one thing I stand by its being who I am at all times. I'm not a fan of editing my personality or mannerisms for anyone. (accept work related situations I'm not a total fool mom) especially someone who I'm communicating with in that kind of way. They’re going to figure it out sooner or later so might as well not waste time yah know? Think about it, why would you want to be with someone who only accept you sometimes…sounds like total bullshit to me. Regardless of what the small minded may think be you always. The people you want to surround yourself with will filter in and out until you realize who it is that enjoys your company for all it is you have to offer. Imagine having to stay on your toes at all times around someone? Having to think and alter every little thing you say or do in fear that the person you want to want you might be like “nahhh I'm good”. Even if you do get rejected obviously that’s goanna suck, rejection is never an easy thing. Your goanna think “what’s wrong with me?” “maybe I'm to this, maybe I'm to that” blah blah blah nope WRONG. Your just wrong. Listen closely there is NOTHING wrong with you, there is nothing wrong with them. Instead of thinking what “wrong” change your perspective on how you view these situations. Instead be thankful you didn’t stay in a situation where you couldn’t be free. Where you couldn’t be yourself. Think now I’m one step closer to figuring out who it is that fits with who I am.
Changing your perspective when all your life you’ve been taught to think a different way is easier said than done. If it means becoming a happier person on the inside though, then it’s worth the practice. It has definitely been a hard thing for me to wrap my head around but it’s made me appreciate myself more instead of bringing myself down. I’m not invincible though, none of us are. I still have my insecurity’s I’ve just decided I deserve to have people in my life that make my insecurities seem smaller. It’s a heavy burden to bare deciding between the head and the heart sometimes. I remember when I was going through my break up and I had to accept what my brain knew for what my heart felt. It was hard to deal with the fact that my relationship was over. That it had to be done, that dragging it on would only hurt us more. Knowing that but also feeling my heart hurt as if it was screaming “BUT I LOVE HIM!” I’m not goanna lie and say that shit was easy cause it’s never easy letting go of someone you love, but it sure as hell was empowering.
So basically, what my rant of a blog is about is to encourage all those beautiful souls out there to do you boo! Respect your way of life do not hinder your true self for those who do not appreciate how different you are from the rest. Do not let the fear of rejection stop you from putting yourself out there. Keep moving along and try and try again. Realize who you are and what it is you want and deserve. Do not resent those who choose to not accept you in their life. Respect that they made a choice to decide what they wanted in their life. Thank them for not wasting your time. Its only you who has to live within your mind, choose a life where the love is unconditional, unwavering, and true. So, for those of you who have so kindly made it this far in my post I leave you with what I have thought to be some of the best advice I have been given. Obviously from my dad who has taught me to not settle for it will only make me weak, this is what I live by. Love and care for whoever you want, as much as you want, give love for it is the greatest gift of all. But at the end of the day be sure to love yourself just a little bit more. For this is not selfishness this is mandatory for a balanced life.